DAY 214 - On the Brink of Behind

courtesy of emdot at flickr

my brother’s birthday tomorrow
haven’t gotten to arranging lunch

nephew’s bar results tomorrow
will I remember to call?

Mother’s Day on Sunday
finally asked this morning about what would feel like a gift

Jay’s 60th on Tuesday
not only no card yet,
but damn, have to be at a conference in Sacramento all day

Tom’s wife has cancer
how can I be of help, and when?

who else have I not checked on?
checked in with?
remembered?
are they feeling uncared for by me?

maybe I can let go of the fear of the brink
of falling behind
maybe let go of the worry that others may feel that I don't care
or don't care enough

is there any way we could agree for ever
that I love you
that I will try to respond to you in ways that comfort you
but that if I come up short
it is never that I love you less
rather, that I am over the edge
and beyond behind?

I could use your help
in getting over this fear of falling

DAY 104 – ‘Till the End

photo courtesy of di the huntress at flickr commons

Larry was 44. He had a two year-old son, a loving wife, and leukemia.

I was his chiropractor.

Before his cancer diagnosis, I had recommended that he examine his diet, make general improvements, and consider the possibility that he might be allergic to a few foods that he was eating. I made these suggestions since foods are one of the most common causes of the muscle and joint complaints that I was treating him for.

Larry was none too keen on looking at, nor making changes in his diet.

Food is one of the single greatest causes of chronic degenerative disease, including musculoskeletal aches and pains.  As a responsible physician, I educate each and every patient about the risks of poor diet, and food allergies. Most patients are distressed at being advised that foods may be impacting their health. Not wanting to provoke them, I say, as I did to Larry, “If at any time you would rather that I not discuss the possibility of foods affecting your health, please let me know, and I will stop.”

Chemotherapy had its usual side effects; nausea, fatigue and hair loss. But, Larry appeared to be holding his own.

When the invitation to his 45th birthday party came to the office, I was honored to be included.

The gathering was festive; his friends, many. OK, so I’m a doctor, but the food was hardly appropriate for an ill man. Some of the gifts from loving friends, included candy, cookies and other sweets.

A few days after the party, Larry was in my office for a treatment. I had been going round and round with myself; his food choices were a clear risk to his recovery and his life, but I knew that he wasn’t going to be happy with me if I brought it up. What I came to was that my fear was no excuse; I had to tell him my professional opinion.

My words and tone were chosen carefully. He acknowledged my advice. There was some tension, but the visit ended without incident.

Walking into a treatment room a week later, Larry, already seated, said, “Dr. Young, sit down.” My sensitive gut churned. “Sit down.”, with that tone, had to mean, “you are in trouble.”

“I come to see you because you are the best chiropractor I have ever found, but if you mention food one more time, you will never see me again!”

“Larry, thank you for telling me. This is exactly what I have asked; tell me what you want. I care about you much more than I care about what you eat.”

... Turned out, Larry wasn’t holding his own. As the weeks clicked by, he became sicker and weaker. One day his wife, Rachel, called and asked if I could come to the house to treat him; he just didn’t have the strength to get out.

Arriving, I made space in his bedroom for my portable chiropractic table. He was weak, but glad to see me. I helped him onto the table and kept him warm with a blanket. This was not the time for spinal adjustment; I lightly massaged his back and neck, and held his hand.

Back in bed, I tucked him in as he closed his eyes ... for the last time.

Larry had let me know what he needed; making it possible for us to work together ‘till the end.

DAY 29 – A Word of Thanks to Goethe

I was 14, and in 9th grade print shop class when Goethe first began his attempts to contact me. Another kid in class printed some business cards for his older brother. On them it simply said, “What you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it." ~ Goethe ~

I don’t know that I was that impressed with the quote, and I certainly couldn’t pronounce the guy’s name, but I remember that the type font was a cool italic.

I collected a sample of everything that got printed in class that year, that I liked. This card made the cut, and being the right size, was carried in my wallet for many years.

As the years rolled by, having learned of Goethe and this quote, I was more apt to recognize and attend to the glimpses of him and it as they would surface, at times very close at hand. Gradually, I felt that I better understood the quote; better knew it.

Two months ago, on the eve, so to speak, of starting to write this book, still apprehensive, OK fearful, and confused about what I was doing trying to get myself to write this book, Goethe contacted me again. This time it was his quote, pasted into a signature template in an e-mail from a person with whom I had little connection. He must have known that I still didn’t get the full meaning, the real energy of what he had been trying to tell me. So this time he provided me with a longer version, that leaves no doubt, even for the slow-learner like myself. And here is what he said…

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now."
~ Goethe ~

As I read it, I felt sure, not just of what I was doing, but of the truth of his words that speak of the power of beginning, of beginning with commitment, and of magic!

I am writing the book, emboldened to have begun it; still a student of Goethe’s message.

DAY 24 –A Pre-Election Poem

In this poem titled “Finding My Way”, written in November of 2005, I was trying to sort out what to do with my ever-present tensions and fears about humans harming humans and humans harming our environment. I was looking for something other than anger or hopelessness, and something to calm my gut, slow my heart, deepen my breath, and tell my shoulders to relax and take a break.

*****

my blood boils
we NEED to change our direction
THEY don’t GET it
my blood boils with the heat of nowhere to go with my vision of the disaster we move towards

I could cool off, settle down, if there were breaks between disasters
but, it’s wave after wave

seeking refuge from the heat, this burning
I turn back to myself
asking myself
do YOU ... GET ... everything?
is YOUR vision for our safe and sustainable future crystal clear?
would the implementation of YOUR view manifest maximal comfort and joy for the people of this earth?

temperature dropping
recognizing that the heat of self-imagined visionaries is a flame that burns indiscriminately
improbable that “I” am omniscient
of course... I too have blindspots and blind-fields

the fire will never go out
for I will always feel for the safety of all
the fire will not go out
but instead of conflagration, my choice will be the gentle warmth of compassion for others and for myself

humanity lives and travels as a group
nourished by compassion,

we make our way awkwardly through time

*****

Five years have passed. It is now October of 2010, and I’m still on that journey, awkwardly but happily “Finding My Way”.