DAY 106 - Talking in a Way that Heals

We heard it from the top;

“... it's important for us to pause for a moment and make sure that we are talking with each other in a way that heals, not a way that wounds." 

President Barack Obama ~ January 12, 2011 ~ following killings and woundings in Tucson, Arizona

Talking ... communicating ..., in a way that heals, is not simple.

Whether or not a communication heals, is in the experience of the listener, the receiver. To truly know the effect of our communication, we must ask how it was received, and be prepared to listen.

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a process for optimizing our ability to talk in a way that heals. NVC requires study and practice. The rewards are enormous; more trusting and loving relationships at home, at work, and in our communities.

We heard it from the top, and now we can help to grow it from the bottom, by visiting The Center for Nonviolent Communication, learning about NVC, and by “talking with each other in a way that heals.”

DAY 83 - Organic 4 Life: A Reflection

Thank goodness I write a bit. I find it both pleasurable and valuable to look back at what I thought, said and did, in this case, ten years ago. Looking back provides me with something akin to depth perception; giving me a greater, a more complete sense of where I am.

The following was published in HopeDance Magazine in the April/May 2002 Food Issue. The website referred to, no longer exists due to the then unimagined work required to maintain it, and the emergence of web-based resources that filled the need.

So, ... Sherman, set the Wayback ....

*****

This haiku may give you a feel for why I have written this article, and why the website, Organic4Life.net now exists.

no escape through flight
our fouled earthly nest needing
organic farming
7/28/00 ky

Make what you will of my haiku. For me it contains the power of clearly seeing the reality of our condition and the excitement of what can be. It is hopeful.

During the last century (in 1999), as I strolled and shopped through the Farmer’s Market in Ojai, California each Sunday morning, I began to wonder where else, other than our farmer’s markets and our local health food stores, organic foods might be found in our community. I also wondered how others, less committed or less connected, would find organic foods and products in our area. I began asking the organic farmers at the market if there were a central source for information on buying organic food in our area. There was no source. In the midst of conversations about organic food and how to locate it, I would often comment that it would be great if we had a website resource for organic food in our community.

A year went by and nobody took care of the problem; my problem. On July 11, 2000 I took the bull by the horns and registered the domain name Organic4Life.net. With zero knowledge of website building or site hosting, my daughter Jovi and I jumped in and began the process. We researched and bought website development software, contracted for site hosting, and at a snail’s pace we were off.

A year and a half later, we have a very simple site that contains information primarily for Ventura County, California on the following; calendar of events, community gardens, farmer’s markets, organic farmers, food stores that carry some organic products, nursery/garden supplies, organizations, produce stands, recipes, and restaurants.

To complete the circle, I would like to go back for a moment to the why of creating and maintaining this site. I realize that we need to be more gentle with our planet and with each other. I realize that awareness is key to gentleness. I realize that we can only achieve these goals through an integrated web of communication and function. I realize that each of us can contribute. This is one of my small contributions.

DAY 38 – Show Obvious Care

Communication is the transmission and reception of signals. When sending and receiving are in sync, the harmonious dancing of all things is facilitated.

At times, if not often, transmissions can be too subtle to be received, too garbled to be understood, or in a language not translatable.

Reception has its own frailties; defective receiver components, data overload, and mixed or overriding messages.

When communication breaks down, the dancing doesn’t stop. At first dancers collide, without signal connection, the dancers may attack one another or damage the set.

When communication breaks down, I don’t feel safe. The fact is, it does break down…, and it breaks down a lot…, around the world, in my immediate world, and certainly in my interactions.

A small part of my trying to respond to the known dangers of dis-communication, and my trying to create safety for all, is a sticker that I print and wear which says “show obvious care”. It is a reminder for me, and for those who see and feel the message, to “show/communicate”, “obvious/clear”, “care/a desire not to collide, a commitment not to attack, and a joy in the comfort of others“.

I want to live in such a way that I clearly transmit, and that others completely feel, my care for them. The sticker is just a backup; an attempt to be obvious.

DAY 33 – Marriage: So Romantic, but Such Poor Odds

Most folks really want to be married; happily married. Even of those who divorce, many continue to try again and again. The draw to be half of a couple is potent.

At age five, marriage was not on my mind, I know because I remember asking my Mom if I could stay with her forever. She assured me that I could. Somewhere between there and my first girlfriend at age 14, something changed. I don’t think that it was a thought process; cuz I don’t remember thinking about it. Whatever happened, it was powerful, because 5 years later I was married at 19. (photo above)

Surely, there are many factors that, like the Sirens sweetly singing, draw us to marriage,  but what I am interested in here is not what calls us to marriage, but why, with such potent forces moving us, we fail so consistently to stay married.

It is commonly said that 50% of marriages end in divorce. Data from the Centers for Disease Control show that in 2009 there were 2,077,000 marriages in the US, and 1, 038,500 divorces. If that trend were to hold, then the 50% figure is bang on.

Years ago, finding marriage and failed marriage fascinating, I began asking young engaged couples a single question: “Given that your desire is to remain married until death do you part, and given that 50% of marriages end in divorce, what is your plan for being in the staying-together 50%?”

Most couples I interviewed had no answer; apparently having given it no thought.

Of those that did have an answer, a common one was that the partners would remain married because they really loved one another. I don’t know how convincing that is for you, but I would call that answer romantic at best.

Some couples had clearly given it some thought, and believed that their commitment to maintain open communication would carry them through. While an important and undoubtedly critical part of a successful marriage, I have seen a lot of marriages with the same spoken commitment, go up in flames.

My advice for those considering, or embarking on what they hope will be a satisfying, lifelong relationship, is as follows:

1)     Understand that creating and maintaining a healthy marriage is not easy; it is not like falling off a log,

2)     Consider routine maintenance counseling throughout your marriage; even when it seems like nothing is wrong,

3)     Learn about, and dedicate some time and energy to practicing Nonviolent Communication (NVC). It could be the difference between getting what you want, and wishing you had.

4)     Romance is beautiful and powerful, but on its own, gives poor odds.